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[throughbamboo]

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[throughbamboo]

[no, hugs are valid. He'll let Aster grab onto him, hugging him back]

[audacity]

[ hoooolding onto ]

...this is gonna sound weird, but I sort of forgot how bad it was.

[throughbamboo]

[. . . hugs him a little tighter]

Ain't that weird at all.

[audacity]

Like.

[ hesitates ]

For me. Even before finding my Family at the end. It actually kind of did super suck, for me.

[throughbamboo]

. . . you had a rough time. Didn't Unholy fight the monster to help ya?

[audacity]

Yeah, but I couldn't tell you a ton about it. The Dame dropped the monster right on top of me when they asked for the fight. It got me bad enough that I missed the whole thing.

[throughbamboo]

[mutters] That damn woman.

Couldn't even imagine how that had to feel.

[audacity]

Mostly like being bitten a lot.

[throughbamboo]

[huffs softly]

Figured that. That ain't what I meant, smartass.

[there's no heat in it, of course]

[audacity]

[ of course. sighs a little, thinking that over ]

You know Forte tried to take my hand to see if I was really there? It went right through me. Raven kinda tried to toss things at me. Nothing landed. Nothing actually did touch me till the monster tried to kill me. Uh, besides all the Dame's hands and hands and hands and hands that grabbed me in the first place.

[throughbamboo]

[he makes a face at the latter description because that sounds awful]

Jesus. Ain't surprised it still bothers ya, think it'd bother me too.

[audacity]

I didn't think it did.

[ makes a face himself, still holding onto ore ]

Or. I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. I was so sure we were going to die, and then we didn't. But then my Family did. Like the Dame was getting back at me for what Unholy chose...or that's what it felt like. I couldn't even think about what happened with me when what happened to them was so much worse.

[throughbamboo]

That's 'cuz ya worry 'bout everyone before yourself. It ain't a contest or nothin', Aster - terrible shit happened, period.

[audacity]

[ wry sound ]

Is that why? All I know is how much I hated it every time someone said they were glad I'd survived, or that I wasn't there with them, or anything...except that after the Doctor performance? I was saying all the same things to my brother, and you, and Jewel, and Brocade, and everyone.

[throughbamboo]

[he tips his head a bit]

Think that proves what I just said, don't it?

[audacity]

Yeah, yeah.

[ huffs out a breath, mock-cross ]

...you know what the worst thing really was?

[throughbamboo]

[a brief half-smile at the huff]

What was that?

[audacity]

That was...

[ hesitates ]

...the first time I've wanted to go home when something bad was happening, where I knew exactly what that was. I wanted my Family. I wanted to go back to our cabins. But when I got out, when I first got out, there was nothing to go back to. And it felt like...I was stupid for ever wanting that. There's always going to be someone to take it away. Someone who decides not to come back.

Even though it turned out that death doesn't stick, it could have, and I would've been back to almost nothing. No matter how well anyone means, or how much they love me, that's what would've happened. And I can't just — I know they really want me to see them like home like that, but it's hard when it's gone wrong every time I've tried.

[throughbamboo]

[. . . since he's still hanging on, Ore gives him a little squeeze]

D'ya still feel that way?

[audacity]

...yeah. I do. Val said something the other day about how I should know they'd always come back for me, and how important he thinks I've gotta be to everyone, and I kind of freaked out a little. I didn't mean to. But he made it sound like such a given, and I couldn't —

[ makes an annoyed sound at himself ]

[throughbamboo]

. . . hearin' it is nice, but it ain't what ya need to believe it.

[audacity]

I don't know what I need to believe it. I don't even know how to.

[throughbamboo]

Mmm . . . I think, for ya to do that, ya gotta get over your yer fear of doin' it first.

[audacity]

Dunno how to get over a...

[ pauses to think about that ]

...I mean, besides something like what I'm doing right now. Trying to look at it till it gets less scary. Or I understand it better.

[throughbamboo]

What yer doin' now can help. Between this an' just - mmm, time to let it sink in, maybe.