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[throughbamboo]

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[audacity]

Nah, it was pretty shitty.

[ blease ]

And...I was sort of wondering if you'd help me with something?

[throughbamboo]

It sounds pretty shitty.

[why does he bother trying to censor himself anymore tbh - ]

Yeah, 'course I'll help. What is it?

[audacity]

[ why DOES he actually ]

It's going to sound a little crazy.

[throughbamboo]

[habit. He tilts his head]

Hearin' crazy stuff here is kinda normal.

[audacity]

...do you know about the scars we get from bad performances? What happens when you touch them.

[ gestures at the one on his throat ]

[throughbamboo]

Ehh?

[frowns, leaning in to look a little better] Nah, I didn't know 'bout 'em. What happens when ya touch it?

[audacity]

So if you touch it, and you're thinking about the Performance? You'll see it it just like I lived it. Total replay.

[throughbamboo]

[his eyes widen a little]

What the hell - which one of 'em did ya get that from?

[audacity]

Last one, with the Doctor. I got one from the Dame's, too.

[ and some others we don't need to talk about right nOW ]

...I want to take a look at the Dame one. I was hoping you'd be down to stay with me while I do.

[throughbamboo]

[of course they're from the bad performances.

He frowns deeply, but nods after a moment]

'Course I'll stay with ya.

[audacity]

[ that was was way easier than he expected somehow ]

— really? Thanks. I was going to...like, I could do it alone, but it'd be easier with someone around.

[throughbamboo]

[he has a feeling Aster will do it no matter what, so this is a hell of a lot better than letting him do it on his own]

Have ya tried to do it before?

[audacity]

...no. I mean. I saw one of someone else's once, but that's it. It didn't make me super eager to ask about anyone else's, and no one's asked me. Seeing this stuff once is more than enough, right?

Except, like. That one was so...that was the worst, hands down. I've had a really hard time with it, like, really hard. I sort of knew, but like, getting all my emotions deleted and returned — made it pretty clear to me. I probably should just leave it alone, but I got thinking...and seeing it again might help? In a weird way.

[throughbamboo]

Mmm, just once is too much already.

[but . . . he can see this from the perspective of someone who has looked at some of his visions multiple times in an attempt to understand just what exactly went on]

Guess that's one way to realize shit's been botherin' ya.

. . . dunno if that'll help ya or nah, but I get why you'd wanna do it.

[audacity]

[ half-laugh, dry ]

I knew it was bothering me, but like...I don't know. Yeah. There's no way it can ever be as bad as the first time, you know? Because it's just a memory. And I know about our weird immortality deal now.

And maybe it can like...instead of being this big, scary, terrible thing in my head that I'm afraid to think about and can't stop thinking about...I can maybe see it like it really happened?

[throughbamboo]

Ya could . . . at the very least, it might help ya understand it better so ya can find other ways to help ya deal with it.

[audacity]

Geez, that'd be great. I'd really love to stop being the guy who can't get over it.

[throughbamboo]

Oughta start by lookin' at it differently.

Ya don't get over that kinda thing - ya work through it.

[audacity]

What's the difference?

[throughbamboo]

Do ya want it to stop botherin' ya or do you wanna understand why it's botherin' ya?

[audacity]

Do I have to just pick one?

[throughbamboo]

Heh. If ya try to understand it, won't that get ya both?

When I was your age, I hated when someone would tell me to get over shit. 'Specially 'cuz it was always somethin' ya just don't forget 'bout, ya know?

So why would I tell myself to do that?

[audacity]

[ smiles a little, lopsided ]

That's a really good point. I guess I don't...want to forget. I mean, I'd sort of love to forget, but not with everyone else still having to remember everything. But it'd be cool to feel more like I'm actually handling what happened instead of just, like, being all miserable. And making everyone around me miserable about it.

[throughbamboo]

[an understanding noise]

Bet ya ain't makin' no one miserable, but I also get that sayin' it won't change how ya might feel.

But workin' through it an' understandin' it doesn't just help you, but it'll help ya with others, too.

[audacity]

...yeah. Think having you around is gonna help with, like, the understanding part. And also because I'm definitely gonna get freaked out by the rewatch.